So, to tie up the varied loose ends of the conversation with the friend-boy…
We meet and went to an izakaya for beer and food.
He apologized for me getting my feelings hurt.
I sulked.
I said that even if him saying “fat, American girl” is some sort of reality, why wouldn’t he just keep his description as “oh, yeah, she’s nice.”
He said he was just giving a short answer to the girl.
I sulked more.
I said the nuance of fat and overweight is very different. Overweight is fact, fat is insult.
He said fat and overweight mean the same.
Then yelled at him in the izakaya; saying he just said that because he wouldn’t want her to think he has any other female of importance, since he spends all his time dreaming of the day she will f**k him.
I almost start crying, but stop in time to avoid meltdown.
Silence from his side of the table, coupled with a shocked look.
Summary of his response: doesn’t think of her as girlfriend, doesn’t have desire to talk to and share important thoughts with her like would with a girlfriend. Does have thoughts and desires to share thoughts with me. Does think we could “be something, make something.” Said just because he did not discuss me with her, he does talk about me with a good friend of his and his mother. Did bring up side point that I had told him before I would lose weight, but have barely done so.
I accepted his apology, views, and point on the weight.
He said this situation was actually good so that it forced us to have a more in-depth conversation.
Acceptable.Situation green.follow-up note: He then went out of town for a few days. Upon returning, we were talking about a music promotion project. He was saying he doesn't send mp3s of his music, prefers just streaming availability, but as the project is mine and "we're dating" he agreed to release mp3s.
Hi Apryl,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoy your blog.
This is only my own opinion...but like a character says in the office "i think everyone deserves to be with someone who really wants to be with them"
I think it's never good to be with someone who objects to your weight or wants to change you in some big way with this kind of conditional love. That's so rude! It's another thing if you're already dating and your appearance changes a lot, but i think it's bad if someone wants to change you from the beginning.
i used to be overweight and feel bad about it, so I accepted having a bf that was really judgmental about my weight. But for every body type there's someone out there who thinks it's the most attractive ever, so why settle for someone who doesn't like you? I guess that's what I started thinking after dating this guy who made me feel really bad about myself.
I hope you can find someone better than this guy, he really sounds like he's not nice to you!
Dear Anon:
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading! Glad you enjoy it...even if my writing topics meander around with no clear focus!
I am sorry you had the experience of dating someone who made you feel bad about yourself. It really sucks to be belittled all the time. I feel your pain - my ex-husband was a master at that. I can say that my self esteem was so destroyed during that fiasco that even my employment suffered: when we met I was the assistant manager of a bank. When we separated I was so incapable of believing in myself, that I could not hold on to a part-time customer service rep at a low paying call center!!
Certainly I have considered: is he not nice to me? Is his issue with my weight a bad thing?
I think what makes "his issue" sound so bad, is my own issue with my weight. If he mentions, "you could lose weight..." what I hear are his words combined with my own inner critic chiming in with: yes, I'm a loser, I'm a waste, I'm not pretty, I'm a failure, I'm stupid.
What that horrid inner voice of mine also does is, when he says "You have such a beautiful face." and "You are so strong and smart!" that inner self just ignores it.
I do appreciate your advice though - and will certainly keep it in mind!
I hope all is good for you too!